because i want so badly,

for myself to want less,

from you.

but i can't.

i just want more.

'Why does it hurt so much,

that my heart literally aches,

when I think of you?' 

I want to hear your voice,

and touch your face,

and smell your scent,

because I miss you.

But after 216 hours,

that's how I know,

you probably don't miss me.

The damage has been done;

And how I wish,

that missing you,

would make me,

miss you less. 

Is it reasonable, 

for me to compare what we first had,

to what we are now?

Is it reasonable,

for me to feel as if,

I don't see you enough these days?

Is it reasonable,

for me to even,

think these thoughts?

I don't know, if I'm hiding who I really am from you.

Am I suppressing the words in my head,

because I don't find them

reasonable, myself?

Or am I suppressing them,

in fear of you realising, 

that I'm not what you want?

Or am I forcing myself,

and the way I think,

to what I imagine, 

suits you better?

I don't know, how I should even feel about all of this.

Should I apologise to you,

for not being true,

for not expressing how I feel,

for misleading you into thinking 

that this is okay,

with my silence?

Or should I apologise to me,

for dismissing what I feel,

for changing who I am,

for being untrue to myself,

and for causing my heart,

so much stress and trial?

why I write these things,

I don't even know.

Because,

at the end of the day,

my answer always is;

'I don't know.'